Baring My Soul

Master, I have thought long and hard, through meditation, of my actions as of late. I have many things I would like to share with you. I love every task you set out for me. Why? Every one is special and just for me. This is calming to my soul. It's as a caress of your hand to my heart.

My behavior on Thursday was unacceptable and ridiculous. All I can do is apologize and bare my soul in this regard. First of all, I trusted my life with you, that's why I showed. Secondly, I acted stupidly and ruined your precious plan. My switch personality reared her ugly head and destroyed your perfect moment. How dare I!!! I have since buried her. Never to be seen again.  I deserved that punishment and I deserve discipline for stealing your fire. I bow my head in shame for the pain I caused chasing after you. :( Thirdly, Lord knows I could have expressed my thoughts with much more grace than I did

I thank you for your patience and your ear. I cannot lose you. You are a part of my soul. I cherish all we have and beg for your continued patience and hand in my training. I pray you sleep well. Tomorrow is another day for me to prove my submission worthy of your guidance...and I am thankful for such!

Finding My Dom

After a long search, I have found my Dom.

I searched high and low on bad sites like CollarMe, BDSMSingles and good sites like Alt.com.  I screened numerous Doms that started out well enough but didn't match in time or place.  I read messages from a plethora of others that know nothing about Domination versus abuse...girls beware - there are a lot of guys not looking to train but just abuse...before finally finding the One to whom I've committed my trust, my training and my collar.

We started by exchanging a few messages on the adult personals website, ALT.com. It wasn't until a long period of talking anonymously that we finally arranged a date to meet.  Right away, I could tell there was something different about him.  He was confident almost - bordering on but never going over to - cocky.  He was intelligent.  He was calm...and he was experienced.

He told me 'discovered' his Dom side about four years prior.  He was dating a girl that was a professional, in her daily life, but submissive in their bedroom behavior.  He told me that he had always known he was an 'aggressive' lover - enjoying rough sex - but until he met one that was overtly submissive (rather than passive) he didn't discover that he was Dominant.  We talked for a long period - about his experiences, his training and his life - and I knew I had to know more.  We spoke further throughout the next week before we agreed to meet for a trial 'session'.  It wasn't so much a Dom/sub encounter as it was a natural, sexually-charged and sexually-stimulating evening.  He took me aggressively and our sex seemed natural.  It was then, and only then, that I knew....I had found my one.

I look forward to sharing this journey with my first true Dom and sharing my journey within these writings.

Bondage

I saw this poster online the other day and thought it was so appropriate.

I don't want someone that is anxious. I love the slow, methodical confidence of a true Dominant. I don't want him to have sex with me right away. I want him to use me as his sex toy. I want to role play and be told how to worship his cock. I want to be held in bondage, pinned against the wall and forced to do what he asks....all with calmness, confidence and creativity...without cockiness. Why is it so hard to find one that truly understands how to dominate!

My Mind and Soul. I am a Submissive

My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can. I have no secrets from Him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly His. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself...and i do not want walls. His training and lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided that I need, and so I learn from Him. My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at His feet. Never a moment goes by when I do not feel His presence, be He miles away or standing over me. If I were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be. The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint Him is harder to bear than any physical anguish I feel. I am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend His time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job, to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to Him. O accept His collar and His bondage. I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously. I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to my Master who has that strength, will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.

Pride and Strength through my Submission

I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive to my Master in a loving relationship. I am not weak or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life. I do not seek to serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength. I will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never will I be more complete than when He is with me. I know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with His strength and wisdom. He is everything to me, as I am everything to Him. His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me. Only in serving Him do I find complete freedom and joy. His discipline may be harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind. If He desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to Him and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought Him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of Our relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship. My body is His, and if He says I am beautiful, then I am. No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that i hold my head high. I seek my Dominant. Where is he?

A Continuing BDSM Issue

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A Disappointed Submissive

I guess after this amount of time - and the number of views I've received, I would have thought I'd have heard SOME comments about the blog. Do you like it? Do you dislike it? Is there anything in my postings that ring true or, perhaps, something about which you disagree?

I am becoming quite down about writing any further. If I am simply writing a personal journal, I guess I could just do so in a diary. But, I started writing this blog for feedback, guidance and discourse. I am getting none. I guess perhaps some time away, an alternative outlet or another manner of learning more about BDSM might be the right course of action. It would seem so to me...the 'no comments' submissive girl. :(

BDSM and Cock Size

A lot of women will tell you that cock size doesn't matter.  I am not one of them.  The size of a man matters.

A Dominant man, to me, has to have a big, thick cock.  It just doesn't 'work' for me to have someone I am going to submit to, be disciplined by and be collared to a guy that has a small cock.  I know this goes against the whole grain of current society...size doesn't matter....but I am not looking for a traditional relationship.

Now, I should also say you don't have to have a horse dick...lol.  I am not a size queen needing someone that is 10 inches or something (I am quite sure that would just hurt and...frankly, wouldn't fit).  But he should have enough for both my petite hands to wrap around.  Judging by my hands (yes, I did just get a tape measure out) that means he should have eight or so inches.  I also want something that I have to 'stuff' in my mouth or in my ya ya.  I want my hands to barely be able to wrap around it...or not.  If you are reading this and seeing how you measure up...let's see...if I form a circle...that looks to be about five and a half to six inches in circumference.

I saw a listing on ALT.com last week from a guy that went by the handle of 9 by 6 or something like that....perhaps I should look to see if I can find that listing again.  Hopefully, the fact that he lists his size means he is a good Dom too.  Although, I don't really recall how fit a body he had....so perhaps I need to find another 9 by 6..or even 8 by 6 guy.  Where are you my dream guy?  I want my mouth stuffed while you slap my (now tanned) bare ass and call me your good little slut.  Hopefully you have a brain too and are older than 35...or 45.

Whisper to Me. Dominate Me.

There hasn't been something that I've considered as much as this. I've thought about why someone like me - strong, passionate, assertive - would want to submit to a man.  I'm passionate....maybe too much so for many would-be Doms.  If you cannot handle or do not appreciate a strong, passionate woman, you probably would not like me.

I know that I'm probably 'too normal' to find what i seek in a Dom male. But, I have been so fascinated with aspects of this lifestyle for so long that I can honestly say I don't go long without my mind drifting to very vivid images of bondage, being trained, being dominated and being disciplined.

I've thought about why some men are submissive and some are dominant. I've thought about why some extremely attractive men just don't 'do it' for me. I like an intelligent man that loves the art of conversation. I don't want to feel like I interview him and he just answers yes or no. Engage.....that shows interest. I like a worldly man. Someone that has some life experiences. I like confidence...and I like someone that is almost a bit 'cocky'...and I like Dominant.  That's probably why I am attracted to men much older than me. The more you have to share the more interesting you are to me. I prefer educated & professional. It is just my type.

I've thought about what it is within us that makes us desire BDSM.  I think the answers to all those questions run really deep within us.  The sights, the sounds, the emotions, the sensations.....it is a very powerful image in my mind and one that has taken root. I believe I was born submissive and have finally realized that which I crave.

A Dom of Intelligence and Grace

I need intelligence and grace at the end of my leash.. A good Dom loves his submissive. He cares for her and desires only her best and highest good. He shelters her and provides for her. He protects and trains her. He disciplines only when she is in need of correction. He honors and reveres her as his sacred goddess, his lover and his slut. He is noble, trustworthy and honorable. He loves His submissive and gives of his very life for her love and commitment to him. She is beautiful to Him and he, equally, to her. Where is this one I seek?

What sort of woman am I?

While I enjoy being sexually submissive, I have my own mind, my own responsibilities, and my own interests. I run, I meditate. I have a healthy body and mind. I draw, I paint, I work, and I am a smart ass little masochist. LOL I respect myself and expect anyone I am involved with to respect me. I'm educated, playful, and usually have a big smile on my face. I am self-assured and self-resourceful.

I am a also a total, complete and utter pain slut who loves, needs, wants and craves hard, pounding, rough sex. I crave discipline. I love to be forced to suck a man's cock, fingered hard, slapped on the ass, breasts, pussy and face (okay, not so hard on the last two, please).

I am a submissive, I am a heavy player, and open to new ideas. I consider respect of my master the most important aspect of a good D/S relationship. Likewise, I would hope to meet a Dom where we both respect each other equally. I feel as though choosing to submit to a man is more empowering as I woman than anything I have done. I hope to do that some day soon.

My BDSM Desire

I think this says all that anyone needs to know about me :)

I want to be collared. I want to be held in bondage. I want to be tained. I desire a partner and a Dom.

Frustrated with my Online Search for a Dom

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Pool Bar

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My online Dom has Disappeared

Well, it seems after a couple weeks of online fun, my would-be Dom has disappeared. We met, originally on adult personals website ALT.com a few weeks back and, it seemed, things were progressing. I was learning a lot of new things about myself and he seemed to really be helping me understand a bit more about my desire for bondage, a collar and I was learning some of the basics about the BDSM lifestyle. We were playing some interesting games and I was really enjoying the daily dialogue. We had become so comfortable, that we had played on cam and even sent text messages back and forth throughout the day. Then, suddenly - and without provocation or warning - it stopped.

I sent a couple additional messages to ask if I had done something to disappoint him. No reply. I sent one more telling him I was suddenly feeling very vulnerable and alone. Nothing. Oh well, I thought, it was what it was. Apparently, either I grew boring, the distance proved to great or perhaps he found something 'better' to do. I've moved on pretty seamlessly. I had invested some of myself in all of this but I also am not - never have been - the type to look back. I've too much going for myself right now to get down or blame myself.

I have been talking to a few others in the lifestyle during this time but was sorta giving most the brush as I was really enjoying my training. However, since this so-called Dom (I have to assume, for my benefit, that he is just a bit of a flake to not even message me goodbye) stopped responding, I've re-opened dialogue with a few. Some, thankfully, are more local.

One that intrigues me a bit is a couple. He is a Dom and she is a Switch. If you don't know what that term means, don't feel bad. I didn't either until I started searching around on places like CollarMe and ALT.com. A Switch is someone that plays both a submissive role and also plays a Dom (or, in this case Domme) role. She is, decidedly, a submissive with her man. However, they've indicated that they've entertained single females before and, in this situation, she prefers to play a dominant role.

Both are just my style. Intelligent, sexy, fit and very attractive. They added benefit is that they live about 35 miles from me. So, a meeting is possible. I am not sure I am ready for that yet. Especially since I am still smarting a bit (and perhaps just a bit wiser) after my online Dom disappeared. Time will tell but this BDSM couple certainly is intriguing.

Calling my Dom, Sir

I have continued my online journey further over the past couple weeks and I am learning a lot about myself. I am now of the belief that I was always intended for this alternative way of life. For me, it seems, it was never really as alternative as necessary. For me, it seems, I am learning that I always desired to have a Dom in my life. I just didn't know it until recently realizing this in my heart as well as my mind.

One of the things I am struggling with involves the way to communicate with my online Dom. I am to call him "Sir" but it doesn't always sound right to me. Sometimes I want to refer to him as My Master or Dom. However, he only accepts Sir. In fact, I am learning, through my own weakness and errors, that I am to always address him with the beginning or ending of Sir. It is odd. These words forming in my mouth. But, I am learning.

My Dom has continued to teach me things that I didn't realize or know about myself. Many of these, surprising to me, don't deal with sex at all. I think my initial perspective revolved around the sexual nature. I thought of learning to serve in a sexual way and learning how to please my Do, dominance and discipline or punishment. However, I don't think I ever realized how much of the BDSM lifestyle did not involve thoughts in a sexual way. Indirectly, the thought is always there. However, many times, it is not addressed. Instead, I find my panties soaking with anticipation of my next chat or my next direction or instruction.

Despite not really ever 'seeing' my online Dom, I am finding myself drawn to his wisdom, his intelligence and his inner beauty. Make no mistake, though, he has a gorgeous body and a handsome face. While I've not seen this in person, we have shared webcam sessions on Alt.com and I am not being trained by some unattractive, anonymous man.

I look forward to each day with my new found Dom. While we've no contractual relationship, I am excited for this new found life. I am still open, and - honestly - hopeful that some day I'll take another step toward a more 'phusical' Dom. But for now, I am learning about things in an environment that is comfortable (and, admittedly, a bit uncomfortable) and learning a lot about myself and the BDSM life.

A Long Distance Dom

So I've begun, over the past few weeks, to establish a relationship with an online Dom. The trouble - and perhaps the blessing - is that he is long distance. We established a connection through ALT.com and began exchanging messages. He was incredibly patient with this 'newbie' and spoke from a point of some knowledge. I could tell from our initial conversations that he was...I guess you could say, wise in the lifestyle. Judging from the photos, I could also tell he was in shape and his profile was written with a level of intelligence.

However, I was becoming a bit frustrated. We'd exchange a message or two each day and I craved more. Finally, I was about to give up and told him "It's too bad you didn't live closer. You seem perfect for me." He replied a few hours later asking me if I had considered a long distance Dom. My reply was a simple "Is that even possible?"

He explained the obvious limitations but also expressed the things he could do for me. I was intrigued and told him I was interested. He asked me to verify who I was and we sat down for a video chat. He was as gorgeous and understanding as his online profile. After we spoke for some time, I took a chance and asked him if we could text. He did ask me to 'confirm' that I was real and that I was 'of age' (something, understandably, that he had concerns with - do I look that young? LOL). I did show by flashing the birthdate on my driver's license.

We've been talking for a few days now via text. It's been amazing. He has helped me in a number of nonsexual ways already. I can tell he will make me a better person and I've submitted to his domination as best I can. I've not discounted the idea of having a local Dom...but for now, this is a wonderful initiation.

When I Knew I Desired a Collar

As I've already talked about, I knew very early on that I was a submissive. Sex is very important to me...it can even be an all-consuming endeavor at times. I watch porn, almost daily, and I think about sex all the time.

I've always had a desire for asphyxiation. I asked men to choke me very early on, probably as young as age 16, and I yearned to feel helpless and completely dominated. I got the occasional, high school attempt at a choke and/or an ass slap but nothing more until I met a man while in college.

He unleashed the insatiable need for more and more kinky, rough sex. He slapped my face, spit on my body and face and had rough sex where he would penetrate me deep and hard. I enjoy the idea of bondage more than any other temptation. I desire to be tied up and suspended in many positions. I crave a stern hand that isn't afraid to leave marks all over my body. Temporary pain is such a turn on for me - though I do have a fear of permanent markings. I have a curiosity about knife play. Not being cut or anything but, perhaps, the feeling of a blade tearing my clothes off me and then running across my body while I am blindfolded. My body is quivering just thinking about having my clothes cut off!

Those are a just a few of my late evening hump day thoughts on the kinks I crave. Wow, now I am lying in my bed, wet, waiting for someone to rip this pair of panties off me! Oh dear, where is that sex toy?

Looking to Sign Up for a BDSM Personals Website

So I've decided that I need to take some action if I am to carry out my New Year's resolution and locate a truly worthy Dominant man.  I have considered a way to do this discreetly while also getting serious about my quest.  I am considering doing an online profile on a adult personals website in order to begin my search.

I am really a 'hands-on' person.  By that, I mean I like to find, in my own sphere of influence and contacts, my dates.  I am not really too excited, to be honest, about searching for an online date - especially a BDSM date! LOL  It's scary.  I've perused Craigslist.  I've looked at a free website called CollarMe.  There isn't a lot there that attracts me.  It seems dark, scary and perhaps a bit too dangerous for me.

There is also FetLife.  I signed up for a free membership there some time back but canceled it because it seemed there were a lot of creeps on there.   I may re-try this one again but for now, I am going to leave that one dormant.

Recently, I checked out ALT.com.  It looks a lot like another website I was on some time back, Adultfriendfinder.  In fact, it may be run by the same company.  I like the look of the profiles on there.  It appeals to a bit 'broader' area than simply BDSM (bondage, kink and fetish) but I like to format. So, I've decided to give it a try.

I have already received a lot of replies...and I've not even filled out my description much yet.  I guess perhaps a lot of people just find the profile from a local area search, look at the photos I've posted and decide to take a chance.  I've not responded to many yet.  To be honest, my responses haven't been much more than a couple sentence response.  I feel a little bad about that because some of them have really poured some effort into their messages to me.  I am going to spend a bit more time looking around on Alt.com.

So tell me, dear readers of this blog...what websites do you recommend I try?  I'd also be curious to know what area of the country you are in (your exact location not necessary LOL).  It seems like ALT has quite a number of Doms in my area so that's encouraging.  But what I guess I am asking is...are there some sites that are better for some areas of the country?

It's Valentine's and All I Crave is to be Tied Up

So today is Valentine's Day and I am still single with no prospects of finding the man I desire.  While normally that would be pause for me to become depressed about my otherwise 'relationship-less' life, I am smiling today.  Instead, I know that today I am single because I choose to be.  I could be with a man.  I've many offers. Trust me. But I see the alternative.

But the men I see, while sometimes coming off as 'alpha'-types, I see through their facade.  I realize that when push-comes-to-shove, most men don't understand what being a dominant man is really about.  The vanilla men I encounter are too 'metrophied'.  They've been told that they need to be courteous, have good manners, treat a girl with 'respect'.  While I agree with some of those qualities, what they lack is real substance at being the 'alpha' male I crave.  I seek one that can control me while respecting me, have my greater interest in mind but also know that he is in control.  I seek what I can not find through the normal channels. I seek a BDSM relationship built on trust, control, role and substance.

So to all of you celebrating this very beloved of christian valued holidays, I wish you the best.  As for me, I've committed myself to learning more about, expanding my horizons and finding what I desire. I crave to be a true submissive.

Mainstream, Alternative or Indie Movies that Reflect BDSM

I was watching a movie the other night, Columbiana, about a strong woman that had a tramatic early life.  I was thinking to myself how my own early age molded me into the woman I am today.  I know that I was sexually aware at an early age.  I also know that, very early on, I desired something that has evolved into what I am today...a woman that seeks to be submissive to an 'alpha male'.

My thoughts also came around to thinking about other movies.  Movies that reflected - and not in a negative way - the BDSM lifestyle.  Perhaps one where there existed a love story about a dominant man and a submissive woman that existed for the good of both.  I know I was drawn into the movie "Secretary". If you've not seen it, it is a wonderful love story that reflects much of my thought on how I see a 'relationship' existing.  James Spader may very well be my dream man!

I did a search on IMdb for BDSM and Bondage and came up with a few titles with which I am not familiar.  I was wondering if anyone has any advice on movies that reflect the lifestyle in a positive, instructive way (but not a documentary...I like story lines!).  Suggestions?

Is Anyone Reading This? A BDSM Dream

I've began wondering if anyone is even interested in what I am writing. I am trying to determine how to proceed in my desire for a relationship that evolves into something...more. I know that I desire this within the realm of BDSM. I know that I've always craved this and that it is something that is deep within who I am.

The other night, I awoke from a dream. In the dream, I was being restrained, held down with my hands behind my back...tied. A stranger, but someone familiar to me was telling me what to do. There was something tight on my neck. I can't be clear on whether it was a collar or his hands choking me as his cock was inches from my lips. He was telling me to take it in my mouth or he would turn me over and force it in his ass. I craved sucking his cock but I couldn't reach it with my lips...no matter how hard I tried. He kept telling me to take it and I had my lips open to take it but couldn't reach it. I awoke, sweating but chilled. It was like he was within my reach but so far away.

Perhaps this is how I feel about where I am at in my search. I realize what I want, that I want to please, that I want to be 'owned'. But I couldn't reach it. It is out of my grasp and perhaps I am too scared to take the next step into making this a reality. Perhaps I fear what I want. Perhaps I am not ready. Perhaps....he is waiting to find me and simply needs me to try just a bit harder to find him.

What I Know, What I Desire in a Dominant Man

I am venturing into this world from something far more straightforward. These words are my first steps so I trying to be careful to phrase things appropriately.  I'm hopeful of finding strength and wisdom from someone who can take me to the places I only now know in my head. I desire to be a submissive.

The vision in my head is neither finite nor specific. I only know that I am kept both physically and mentally by someone to whom I have wonderfully, hopelessly, purposefully, romantically, and respectfully given power. I welcome the sense of being held, restrained, disciplined and having the ability of speech restricted in glorious and elegant ways.

I desire to be bound, to be told what to wear, to be told what to do and when.  Where did these thoughts arise? How is it that I am totally drawn to something that puts me in such a relationship....one where I give myself completely and trust that I'll be respected and desired in return.

This is about connections for me, not mindless sex and punishments. Honestly I do not understand how anyone can thrive solely on that and find fulfillment. I value form, balance and strive for elegance in everything that passes my way. I'm hopeful for a Dominant that is educated beyond what common sense dictates and can see into the world of potentials and possibilities.

Any Bondage Lifestyle People Reading This?

So I've written a few journal entries now and have had ZERO feedback.  I had thought that my writing would actually, not only help me write out and hear - outside my head - some of my bondage thoughts, but also obtain some feedback and help from some of the people reading this.  Perhaps someone with a bit more experience or someone else that is also interested in the whole alternative, BDSM lifestyle.  Perhaps someone that has some experience being tied up into a bondage position with rope, handcuffed and suspended, flogged with a whip, paddle or...stick.

I am afraid I am writing this into thin air.  It has taken me so much courage in 'putting myself out there' and I am craving some feedback.  So please, tell me where I might go, what I might do to educate myself on what it is I feel and desire.

It is much more than about the sex for me.  It is a desire to be truly dominated by someone that also balances this with respect, desire and a 'relationship'.  I know, for me, this can't be something 'full time' but it is also something that I desire to live on a daily basis.  I don't know my own boundaries yet and I know that statement, in and of itself, tells me that I am not ready for the real world of BDSM yet.  Instead, I want to learn, I want to reflect, I want to evolve and I want to start on this road toward finding the dominant man I desire...that desires me and will not simply dismiss me as something that I am not.

Checking out Rope Bondage websites

Over the weekend, I was back out on the internet searching for sites to learn a bit more about BDSM. I came across some really good sites about rope and began to explore all there is to know about bondage rope. It is quite intriguing and, it appears, the Japanese have a long history of rope, intricate knots, bondage and suspension. I was so involved, I must have spent four or five hours on Saturday looking it over, studying it and even ordered some samples.  I am excited for their arrival!

I feel like such a rookie when it comes to talking about this so perhaps others that read this, that are more knowledgeable than I, can respond with the best rope to use.   Hemp rope seems to be the most widely used rope for bondage.  However, when I look at pictures of it, it looks a bit more coarse than what I'd like to try...at least the first time.  Jute looks a bit less coarse and I am thinking that, within my budget, perhaps this is the best choice for starting out.

I did watch some YouTube videos about bondage and did find an interesting article about a bondage rope harness that has me wanting to learn all about the different types of bondage ties that are possible.  I am not sure how I can learn without having a subject to tie up.  I am sure I can take a class but perhaps getting my free samples will allow me to figure out an 'at home' way I can practice a bit.

I also want to figure out what, inside me, makes me so wet with thoughts of being tied up.  In my search, I can across a site that gave me some possible explanations of why I want to be tied up.  It seems to oversimplify suggesting that I want to submit and give up control. It may very well be that bondage, for me, is just a bridge to take me some place else that I want to go. Right now, I see it as an occasional dash of spice into an, otherwise, vanilla sex life but I could see where my world could have more focus on this than a vanilla escape.  I see bondage as liberating in many ways.  It allows things to happen that couldn't otherwise happen. I do know this....it's a form of pleasure that I can no longer deny.

The More Mature Rope and Heels

While I was in college, my 'coming out' really started to occur.  As I said, I was pretty disappointed with 'wannabee' alpha males.  They started off sounding strong and then they'd start to 'give in', giving me control. I DIDN"T WANT THAT!  There were a few exceptions and that, more than anything else, probably affected my current path.  I met one guy that really liked aggressive sex.  He was a bit quite...almost dark.  He wasn't really that impressive, physically, in public.  But when we hit the lights, he was quite different.  He was aggressive, strong, well-endowed (despite his 'skinnier frame') and really was my first 'dominant' lover.  Well, sorta.  I guess I should say he was my first dominant boyfriend.   After we dated (only about six weeks), I remember having other lovers that were not as forceful.  They left me fantasizing, craving 'more' and had me recalling my prior dominant boyfriend.  There were occasions where we'd 'hook up' without any commitments.  It was purely physical for me (I know, not very lady-like).  He taught me a lot about what I desired.  Later in college, I discovered that I could be bad and kinky yet still be submissive and a good girl.  By surrendering what I am..what I need, I found a way to find strong lovers and devote myself to giving until it hurt.  I'll try to explain what I mean in future postings.

My desire for a more 'alternative' sexual life has always been with me.  I know it started very young.  Mostly, I've been disappointed with my lovers.  I find more satisfaction from my toys, my thoughts, my website visual aids and my fantasies.  I daydream about being tied down, told what to do, forced to do things I don't appear to want to do.  I have thoughts of being held captive, being raped, being 'used' by men I don't know.   Bondage and discipline are thoughts foremost in my mind most days.  I am not sure where these thoughts originated.  I've never been to a therapist and really have no desire for fodder.  I've always been one of self-exploration and self-understanding.  I guess, perhaps this blog is my therapy.  My guess is there are a few amateur psychoanalysts out there (as well as psychos, which keeps my anonymity of high concern for me).  One of my main motivations for starting this blog is to journal and learn more about myself.

A Little More About a Young Rope and Heels

No, not the blog but me! :)

So as I've already said in my "about me" area of this page (and my profile), I am in my late 20's.  I'd rather not say other than I am approaching 30 very soon.  I grew up in the desert southwest but was originally born in the midwest.  I grew up in a strict religious home but also had the dichotomy of having a lot of freedom.  This allowed me to really explore my sexuality while also keeping up the appearance, to my parents anyway, that I was a 'good girl'.  I went to college locally and have a degree in business.  I am a member of a national sorority, still have some good friends from my college years but don't really keep in touch with most of them.

My sexual experience started fairly young. I gave myself to my first boyfriend when I was 14....pretty young - even by today's standard.  He was 17 (my parents didn't really know I even HAD a boyfriend).  It was your typical first experience, rushed, fast and left me thinking, "It has to be better than this!"  Over my junior high and high school years, I guess my experience was pretty typical of the average girl.  I am confident I was having a lot more sex than most my friends...the popular kids.  By all appearances, I was 'normal'.  I had good grades, went to church almost every Sunday, hung out with friends and, mostly secretly, had sex.....a lot of sex.  I learned how to give a good blow job (and used that skill when I was on my 'monthly' quite often, usually practiced safe sex (yes, there were those times where I panicked over unprotected sex) and had boyfriends (some weren't really boyfriends as much as, what is known today as, Friends w/ Benefits.

I graduated near the top of my class, participated in volleyball (I was short so I was relegated to 'setter'), worked at a water park and had a pretty suburban existence. As I said, I stayed close to home for college but really 'moved away' from my family after my freshmen year.  I lived with a couple other girls that were in my house that were pretty wild (also, despite their outward appearance) and, relative to them, I thought I was pretty mild.  I dated throughout college having only one major boyfriend for a period of about six months.  I was dedicated to getting good grades, participating in my sorority and partying when it was 'safe'.  I continued to explore my own sexuality and found more things I liked than disliked.  I always went for the alpha male.  The guy that was just a bit too confident...too sure of himself.  I wanted to show him that he wasn't all that...and most of the time, I did.

My New Year's Resolution - a BDSM Life

I began thinking about this blog a month or so ago.  I created a template...a design...and then posted nothing.  I wasn't sure I really wanted to do this.  I had a diary as a young girl, had kept a 'journal' while in college and decided that, this being the age of the internet, it was time to (perhaps) begin an online journal.  I thought of a name that had been something that had been in my head for a long time.  I even found myself writing it down while in a boring meeting once "Rope and Heels".  I sat there, doodling it.  Outlining it, writing it over and over.

You see, I've had thoughts...strange thoughts to many...about being in a BDSM relationship.  There, I said it.  I've looked online at many sites (some of which I hope to share with you if you'll 'follow' me).  I've spent many a tormented hour looking at amateur and professional videos where women are dominated....told what to do....forced to do...some very disturbing (yet incredibly erotic) things. I've struggled with these thoughts for a long time, kept them secret, hidden from the social world in which I live.  I grew up in a religious home.  I was supposed to find a wonderful guy with a good career, a good family background, a good work ethic and a good religious upbringing.  Yet, I always struggled with my thoughts of what I wanted!


In high school and, more so, in college, I explored my sexuality. I was the prototypical sorority girl who dressed the part, played the part and socialized with those that wanted to be the part.  Yet, I was not really all that.  Underneath, I was a bit of, I guess I can say it, a slut.  I hid most of my 'deviant' activities from my friends and sorority sisters.  But, underneath that exterior experience, there was a girl that wanted to just yell it out.  Through my encounters, some of which I will undoubtedly share here, I fantasized about what I really wanted.  I wanted to be held down, told what to do, when to do it and how to do it.  I had fantasies of rape...something I've learned is not uncommon.  I had fantasies of being the center of a gang bang...something else I've learned is not uncommon. But even more than that, I had desires of learning more about the BDSM lifestyle.  As I began exploring my sexuality, these thoughts grew.

So, last month, I decided.  I'd begin a blog and an adventure.  I'd begin a new path.  I'd start learning everything I could about this alternative culture, in the anonymity of my own computer and home and I'd start to let myself explore what it is I really desired....to live the life of a submissive.  Today, I begin that journey with this blog.