While I was in college, my 'coming out' really started to occur. As I said, I was pretty disappointed with 'wannabee' alpha males. They started off sounding strong and then they'd start to 'give in', giving me control. I DIDN"T WANT THAT! There were a few exceptions and that, more than anything else, probably affected my current path. I met one guy that really liked aggressive sex. He was a bit quite...almost dark. He wasn't really that impressive, physically, in public. But when we hit the lights, he was quite different. He was aggressive, strong, well-endowed (despite his 'skinnier frame') and really was my first 'dominant' lover. Well, sorta. I guess I should say he was my first dominant boyfriend. After we dated (only about six weeks), I remember having other lovers that were not as forceful. They left me fantasizing, craving 'more' and had me recalling my prior dominant boyfriend. There were occasions where we'd 'hook up' without any commitments. It was purely physical for me (I know, not very lady-like). He taught me a lot about what I desired. Later in college, I discovered that I could be bad and kinky yet still be submissive and a good girl. By surrendering what I am..what I need, I found a way to find strong lovers and devote myself to giving until it hurt. I'll try to explain what I mean in future postings.
My desire for a more 'alternative' sexual life has always been with me. I know it started very young. Mostly, I've been disappointed with my lovers. I find more satisfaction from my toys, my thoughts, my website visual aids and my fantasies. I daydream about being tied down, told what to do, forced to do things I don't appear to want to do. I have thoughts of being held captive, being raped, being 'used' by men I don't know. Bondage and discipline are thoughts foremost in my mind most days. I am not sure where these thoughts originated. I've never been to a therapist and really have no desire for fodder. I've always been one of self-exploration and self-understanding. I guess, perhaps this blog is my therapy. My guess is there are a few amateur psychoanalysts out there (as well as psychos, which keeps my anonymity of high concern for me). One of my main motivations for starting this blog is to journal and learn more about myself.
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